like things were a little bit backwards? i do a lot of times. But especially tonight.

i just got out of the shower a bit ago to walk into the hallway into a dark house & my mom stumbling around smashed because her husband just turned off all the lights on her. Most of the time i feel like my mom & dad are sort of halfway stuck between being 20 something & their age. Like they totally like to drink. Which is all to them if they can get to their jobs on time & it isn't intefering or w/e, it's the same w/their friends too. I personally don't find the fun in getting smashed and messy but to each their own. But what i don't like is having to guide my mom almost every night to her upstairs bedroom (up steep fucking stairs to boot) just to make sure she doesn't fall and kill herself. Sometimes her "friends" don't even bring her inside if a) they're drinking across the street at her friends house or b) they're drinking on our front porch or back deck. Most of the time they will drink a lot less then my mom & open up some really sad/painful memories for her then get her all down & messy then say gotta go & leave. That's just fucked up if u ask me...so seriously i don't know what to do. My stepdad drinks too but not really in front of anyone & he isn't my problem. Usually he starts fighting with me as soon as he gets a few in him which about 80% of the time ends up w/me kicked out & walking down the block & him packing my shit from my bedroom into garbage bags. So lately he drinks up in his bedroom by himself. Which i do feel kind of bad about but he's done & said so much shitty things to me that I'm on my way to being completely done with him. i just really don't know what to do anymore.

Suggestions, anything at all? This is one of the only reasons I'm nervous about just up & leaving in what will probably be within a year. My mom...


Just needed to vent a bit, see I'm attempting to use this journal for something. :-/


be safe <3

just came inside from sitting on my back porch for most of the night, just thinking about things. Boring i know but it's nice sometimes to just sit and be. It's so humid outside that I'll probably fall asleep out there so i came in. The only reason being i don't want my step-dad bitching about it again :S sitting in my bed typing this on my sidekick & Moo keeps on insisting on getting in between my face and my hands so i can't type. Lol. He keeps trying to cuddle with me too. i swear he's like the fucking sour patch commercials on tv; he's sweet, then he's sour in the blink of an eye. i got pretty messed up last night. Not too bad but enough where i didn't sleep til 7am then felt like a truck hit me when i had to get up and drive my mom to the dr at 10am. Smart, huh. i really did figure I'd be asleep loong before 3am actually but my body hates me. But whenever i do get pretty messed up on stuff & stay awake i end up thinking. A lot, well even more then usual. i don't think I'm going to do much drugs anymore & yes I'm making it a conscious decision. It's not like i was a junkie before or anything but i was using pot as a sleeping aid quite a bit. But i don't particularly want to go on a sleeping pill either most of the side effects that I've heard about scare me. Especially sleep eating, driving, etc etc. Fuck i just need to get some sleep somehow. But i felt like last night there was something in the air & i felt like something does need to change. Like right now. I'm not sure what yet but i haven't smoked pot in almost 3 or 4 weeks now so that's a start. If it comes around i may do it sometimes but I'm not letting myself get to an almost everynight thing again. Let's see how long this last. *crosses fingers* but i really want to change things for myself. I've been reading a bunch lately again & just been pretty inspired to not just sit on my ass & be docile & content. i wanna definitely start up my whole promoting thing again and work my ass off at that. i know what i can do, i have the mind set for it but i just have to discipline myself and actually DO IT. Also i really want to get some sort of paying job.

i can't believe it's August already :( summers always go so fast but take forever to get here. I'm gonna try to absorb as much of this as i can for the next 3 weeks or so until school starts up because i know I'm going to miss this in 2 or 3 months (or less). Still seriously considering moving to Cali after i graduate. Just have to pack up and go. Say my goodbyes. But it's going to be extremely hard. But honestly, here i really only have maybe 5 people tops that i truly care about. Not including my mom. But 4 or 5 people who i will truly miss when i can't see them everyday possibly. (This doesn't count interwebz friends or anything, actual people i see & hang with on a normal basis) I'll keep in touch with them as much as i can of course. But the rest of the people can fuck off. They just bring me down with their fucking negativity & fucking i can't do this, i can't do that, why can't u just be happy with what u have & where u are. Because I'm FUCKING SUFFOCATING HERE that's why. Mentally suffocating.

sorry about the friends pages guys. I'll probably edit this a little later to put a cut or something. Or delete a thing or 2 who knows. Also I'll probably be making this journal friends only reeally soon because I'm a paranoid motherfucker sometimes & *some* people can be nosy bastards (i think u know who u are).

behind the scene's video of the Chicago Believer's Never Die date ;)

Artist: Lady Gaga
Song: Love Game
Album: The Fame



Let's have some fun, this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick
Let's have some fun, this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

I wanna kiss you
But if I do then I might miss you, babe
It's complicated and stupid
Got my ass squeezed by sexy cupid
Guess he wants to play, wants to play
I love game, I love game

Hold me and love me
Just want touch you for a minute
Baby three seconds is in it for my heart to quit it

Let's have some fun, this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick
Don't think too much, just bust that thick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

Let's play a love game, play a love game
Do you want love, or you want fame
are you in the game?
Through the love game
Let's play a love game, play a love game
Do you want love, or you want fame
Are you in the game?
through the love game

I'm on a mission and it involves some heavy touching, yeah
You've indicated your interest, I'm educated in sex, yes
and now I want it bad, want it bad
I love game, I love game

Hold me and love me
Just want touch you for a minute
Baby three seconds is in it for my heart to quit it

Let's have some fun, this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick
Don't think too much, just bust that thick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

Let's play a love game, play a love game
Do you want love, or you want fame
are you in the game?
Through the love game
Let's play a love game, play a love game
Do you want love, or you want fame
Are you in the game?
through the love game

I can see you staring there from across the block
with a smile on your mouth and your hand on your c (huh!)
The story of us, it always starts the same
A boy and a girl and a (huh!) and a game

Let's play a love game, play a love game
Do you want love, or you want fame
are you in the game?
Through the love game
Let's play a love game, play a love game
Do you want love, or you want fame
Are you in the game?
through the love game

Let's play a love game, play a love game
Do you want love, or you want fame
are you in the game?
Through the love game
Let's play a love game, play a love game
Do you want love, or you want fame
Are you in the game?
through the love game


Source is Lyrics Mania :)

hmm haven't updated in a while, soo where do i begin? ok saturday was AMAZING to say the least :D & no I'm not fangirling out of control. Swear to god best FOB show I've been too, yet. So obviously i didn't go to prom with abner, which sucked kind of but went to the show with Kara. i actually really enjoyed Hey Monday's set too haha. So first was hey monday, then metro station & by then we were in the middleish of the pit. Then all time low came on & shit hit the fan lmao the pit got pretty nuts for a pop-punk concert I have to say! I lost my shoes! Lol so my feet took a beating. But also lost kara during ATLs set so I was on my own during cobra & FOB. Cobra was sooo much fun, I love them! I saw them the last time they were here last october, I think? Well they were really amazing in an arena! Then FOB came on around 9:30ish. By the time FOB came on I worked my way to about 5 ft from the barricade but didn't really realize it until I saw the camera dude again but he was not a million feet away anymore :) but they played for a good hour & a half! Which was really good considering I thought that since the show started at 6:30pm & seeing how short hey monday & metro stations sets were I thought everyone would be done by 9ish lol. But I loved the whole political theme/evil corporation theme that they did & they've been doing it since before folie a deux came out. They started it with citizens for our betterment then did more shenanigans started in march I think? Maybe late february idk but they played most of those videos on the screens & pete talked about corporations & the rich getting richer. I sound like an idiot but I seriously don't remember right now :( but the only bad thing about the whole weekend was now I'm super sick :( it reeally sucks. I figured on saturday when I didn't feel that....bouncy before the show that I shouldn't have stayed up so late the night before & just shrugged it off & had some soda in line. I felt better & went to the show & when we got out of the show @ like 11:15 & my throat was raw, I thought it was from screaming harder then I had in a loong time! Plus I was dehydrated & needed something to drink immediately. So went home & went to bed pretty quickly. Next day is Mothers day & got up & my voice was gone. Still didn't figure much was up, just I screamed a little too hard last nite. But by evening I was soo tired & my throat/voice was still messed up. My mom said I felt warm & I went & laid down & passed out apparently, so my mom came & had me take nyquil & go to sleep. I had a fever all night with night sweats & coughed in my sleep all night. She kept checking on me & I kept having weird dreams. It was horrible. So today I went to the dr because I stayed home & apparently I have like some infection & fever mixed :( blahh. So this sucks. They think though that I was "getting" sick like for the last couple weeks & it just took a bit for me to get sick enough to notice. Like I would get sick & stay home a day then feel somewht better then go to school the next day. So I wasn't taking care of myself basically. But now I'll see how I feel tomorrow but I need to be out of school til at least thursday. Lol but of course me being me I want to get well enough so that by wednesday I can go to the FOB meet-n-greet downtown! k so I'lll try to update more. I'm thinking of making this blog a lyrics blog also besides just regular entries. Like whenever I remember I'll put up lyrics that I like :)
or just random things I like too. I have to think about it.

<3

EDIT: I was pretty gone on meds when I wrote this just so ya know, I don't always ramble like that...or do i? lol & I really don't feel like editing the damn thing. :P

honestly the thing most of my friends would be surprised is I'm not that into Hey Monday lol. that's not really huge but whateveer. Most of my friends are into most FBR bands & I am too at least most of them. Its not that I exactly hate them or anything but I honestly don't see the big buzz :)


<3

I really want 2 medical breakthroughs :]
or actually either one would mean soo much to me. I'd really want to have a cure for cancer to come about or at least to slow it down. or something to maybe put it into remission on command. the other one is a cure for HIV/AIDS, or maybe more importantly a cure for HIV because then they can stop it before it turns into full blown AIDS. I've lost numerous people to both of these diseases and hope to see a cure for either one or both in my lifetime. So many people die from both of these everyday and i know it would mean so much for soo many people out there...

umm well ill use it now! lol but I guess I don't use it much just cuz its not relevant but I just think its a cute pic :) but actually I think im gonna use it in the used community im in, so I've found a reason to use it again lol oooh cuz I think I took it from someone there :S oops well if anyone says anything ill apologize :) problem solved

<3

well for the one that made me mad I have to say last week when I heard about the church that was going to protest at Natasha Richardson's funeral. I don't have anything against whtever religion people choose to be but that story seemed a bit ridiculous to me. They were protesting her funeral because in her life she was very supporting of AIDS research mainly because her father died of it! So they were going to protest at her funeral, I'm not sure if they actually did. But come on people, she's DEAD already what more do you want?? At least let her family & friends pay their respects & grieve in peace....

for the one that made me happy, is that my state illinois is closer to making medical marijuana legal. Not just for me would this be a good thing, (I suffer from migraines, insomnia & am recovering from an eating disorder) but also for other people who genuinely want to use it to feel relief. I know that there will probably be people who abuse this priviledge but hoping that they put the proper restrictions on it, maybe it can help a lot more people. I didn't realize that there are 13 states I think that have marijuana legalized for medical reasons! It surprises me that that many states have this, but whenever the issue comes up people automatically say oh california will legalize anything or something like that. California isn't even close to the only state to legalize it, but I do think it was the first.

<3

well it would depend whether it was my best friend or we're just casual...i mean if it would be awkward or look bad if i were to tell them something like that. i would probably end up telling them either way actually but i would have to be careful about the way i did it. If it was my best friend then no question about it, it would be told IMMEDIATELY! But if they were just a casual friend or someone i just met/don't know well i might tell one of their closer friends to tell them or try to hint at it to them. i mean if you don't know someone well & they suddenly are trying to break up your relationship it could turn ugly. But then again i would try to do it in a way where it's super obvious it's true or does NOT look like im trying to screw them over or something lmao.

random stoned rant :D

<3

this really sucks. im just empty right now, more confused I guess. I support barack obama and im happy he's our president. I was estatic this morning & afternoon, talking with my friends and stuf it was a good day. But the thing is I come home & my parents are the exact opposite. Not so much my mom but my dad. They're strict republicans and wanted mccain to win of course, & palin was their second coming. But I don't really know what to do because im fine but when I get home I have to act different. Like I don't really care or anything. its sucks because especially these last couple years I've been speaking out A LOT about what I stand for. & my moms been praising me about it. But it won't happen with these things. My dads kind of a jerk so whatever but it still hurts when I have to stifle myself at home especially. Idk maybe it shouldn't be so bad because I am bi but my parents don't know that either. For some reason this seems harder for me though. It sucks because im so proud at the moment and ever since election night, I've been actually proud of America...after the last eight years it felt like a breath of fresh air. But that too my parents were bush supporters but my mom knew I wasn't & it wasn't bad. ahh whatever. But it stresses me out really badly to not be able to just chill and express myself D:

sorry for the rant but I needed that.
xo

I automatically think they're mad or upset with me :/ or that they're trying to confront me about something they are not happy with. Its usually not a good sign.